Saturday, December 8, 2012
To Be or Not To Be
"To Be or Not To Be" that is indeed the question.
Those are the words that came to mind as I thought about my disappointments this morning--a reoccurring theme in my life. But I am very glad to report that I finally got to the root of it!
I used to think I had a self-esteem problem--that I didn't think highly enough of myself. I realize now that my self-esteem has been too high and that my disappointments stem from that self-esteem because I had unrealistic expectations for myself....and this then would spill over to other people. Because I thought too highly of them, I expected too much from them, as well.
So I endeavored to understand what could be done about this problem. I know the answer isn't to esteem myself or others less. And just to not have expectations doesn't get to the root. The answer came in Julia Cameron's little book of affirmations, "Heart Steps--Prayers and Declarations for a Creative Life". She wrote, "I allow [God] to dream through me, to act through me, to create through me." In that moment I realized it would be impossible to suffer any kind of disappointment if I just allowed this way of being to be....and the way to allow this is to stop judging myself by what I do or not do. Instead I am just to be the channel through which God expresses His love. God's love has many, many different ways to be expressed, and He accomplishes this through people who are open to Him. Our personal prejudices (which are expressed through the judgments we make) block God's use of us--judgments such as "I can't" or "I'm not good enough" or "they can't" and "they aren't good enough".
But then I have to go a step further. I must be on the alert for such thoughts as "I won't". How often do we passively resist God's Will for us by declaring that we aren't able (can't) to do something when the truth is we just won't do it.
So, the question is am I to be open to God and willing? Or am I not to be? That is the question!
Father, too often I lose sight of my own willfulness by hiding behind excuses of inadequacy when at the same time I declare that all things are possible through Christ! No wonder I feel confused! May I instead allow You to dream through me, act through me, and create through me. Amen
Link to scripture: http://bible.cc/mark/9-23.htm
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